Turner Point

When I was about 11 years old I got sick with a bad cold or flu.  At the same time I had also developed a goiter.  My eyes protruded and my neck had a tire like bulge.  The doctor ran some tests and we discovered I had a thyroid condition.  It would require daily medication and was easy enough to treat.  However, I also wasn't growing.  At the time I was hovering well below 5', despite my parents being taller than average.  My dad is 6' and my mom is 5'8".   Further tests lead to a more devastating diagnosis of Turner Syndrome (TS). Essentially I was born missing one of the two X chromosomes every girl and woman has.  This leads to short stature, infertility, and a variety of other possible complications.  This is a rare condition affecting 1 out of 2,000 to 5,000 female births, and only about 1% to 2% of embryos with this condition are actually born.  With this diagnosis my life became a regular series of doctors appointments as I was growing up.  I was placed on a protocol by my specialist, and as her oldest patient I was a test subject for her as well.  This protocol consisted of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) and Estrogen Replacement Therapy.  I had a sonogram of my kidneys to make sure they were formed correctly.  I regularly got x-rays to see how my bones were fusing.  This was certainly a difficult thing to face during adolescence, when a child may already feel different, to have a genetic test confirm, indeed you are quite different.  I could get angry at God for giving me this to deal with, but I never have.  I have the sense that I am lucky to have been given the life I was, despite it's imperfections.  It is part of my life, and something I have to deal with on a regular basis.  I will never have a child of my own, and can only get pregnant using a donor egg and IVF.  Adoption is something I have tossed around, and the idea of giving a child a home and family that needs one seems to be the route I would feel comfortable taking.   Why try to crate a child when I would face a more than risky pregnancy, why not find that child who needs me?  I feel that might be my purpose if I am to become a mother.  I am at risk for heart issues, diabetes, eye problems, osteoporosis, hearing loss, just to name a few.  Since there are limited women and girls with this condition to study, it isn't easy for doctors to know with certainty what issues a TS patient will face as they age.  I did reports on the condition in school to learn more, and had for a time thought I wanted to go into the field of medicine specializing in this and similar conditions.  My hope was to give assistance to others facing what I had faced.  Although I realized quickly my squeamishness would not be conducive to a career in medicine.  Besides and physical issues, there are the psychological issues that go with a genetic condition.  Dealing with infertility from such a young age is not easy.  It certainly sets a TS teenage girl apart from her peers.  Feeling like you don't quite measure up to society standards is never an easy thing to deal with, and knowing how you don't measure up doesn't make it any more palatable.  It isn't that TS makes a girl or woman masculine, but you certainly don't feel like you are quite an average woman.  It is hard to feel like you can be accepted for who you are, when you feel so apart from the average.  Fortunately I am taller than the average TS woman, although this brings me to the conundrum of sharing TS with them, but somehow being different from them.  I feel that I can't even fit in with TS right somehow, because I tower over them, so sometimes I feel where do I really fit in?  Where can I be accepted?  Hard things to wrap my head around.  Yes, every woman has her body issues, but this condition is so linked to your womanhood, accepting yourself is not without difficulty.  This diagnosis may not have been the most devastating by some standards, but it certainly changed how my life would play out.  I have faced unique challenges, and will most likely continue to do so for the rest of my life.


K

Pen and Sword

My love of books and reading, along with my deep desire to write has made me think about the power of the written word.  The power an author has in their words placed on the page is tremendous to behold.  Authors take the reader in, hopefully if they have great skill, and essentially share their "world" with the reader.  Whether it is fiction or nonfiction, the author is the ultimate creator of what the reader experiences.  The phrase the pen is mightier than the sword comes to mind.  Seeing just how much damage a scathing article can have on someone, or how deeply people come to love characters in a favorite novel or series, makes it apparent how deeply we connect with the written word.  I have a friend and real blogging maven, who I am always amazed by how she can share an experience, making it come alive somehow on the page.  There is something compelling about sharing one's emotions and thoughts on the page, because somehow in writing it down, the emotions behind it feel stronger or more visceral.  That also allows some sense that those feelings or emotions have been worked through in a more concrete manner.  Giving expression to what rages inside feels necessary somehow, and the pen seems the most expedient way of going about expressing emotions, and working through something nagging at the mind.

K

When to Fold 'Em

Ah, the great problem of knowing when to bow out of something gracefully.  It can be a hard realization to come to, the lesson hard learned.  Playing the game, win or lose, that doesn't matter.  Sometimes having to end the game, step out of it, is the most important action to take.  Being a graceful winner or loser is all well and good, but bowing out when you need to takes true courage.  Fighting for what you want isn't always the way to go, pummeling yourself to seek victory can be exhausting and futile.  Finding other dreams and hopes to seek, fight for, desire, that doesn't make someone a coward, changing the game isn't wrong.  That game you lose at can teach you to win in another, be better in another, and hopefully win in that one.  If that lesson can be taken from leaving, it is worth it.  Strength in the fight and battle can come from different places, and different tactics.  Cowardice and fear are not proud emotions to own up to, but they can teach and steer you in the right direction, if you can be open to seeing what can be taken from them.

K

3rd Wheel

With so many couples around me being the single girl out can be a trying thing.  It is hard seeing the pairings around you and not feeling left out of something.  People have less time for you, it's just a given, they don't mean to make you feel that way, but it can happen.  It isn't that I need a relationship I am learning, it would be nice I won't lie, but I am learning it is important to find other things to fill my life with.  There is so much to experience and do in life, letting being single get me down just seems stupid.  It isn't always easy taking that approach, but I am gonna give it my best effort from now on.  Make my life what I want, not worrying about what I feel is lacking, but appreciate and embrace the good things that are there and make the most of things.  I guess I will remain the 3rd Wheel for the foreseeable future, and that is just gonna have to be okay.

K

The Waiting Games

I am in the process of reading several continuing series right now and realize how frustrated I truly get as I wait to see how these series will play out.  Waiting, in most instances up to a year or more, after finishing one book for the next in a series is slow torture.  Because I have read a few series  when all the books have been available, meaning there is no wait, I ask myself why did I start series that are still ongoing, boy was that a bad move!  I feel like I am left in the middle of some great event, and then it abruptly stops so they can take a time out.  Not knowing what will happen next that really does me in, I ALWAYS have to know.  Leaving characters in peril or questions unanswered really doesn't suit me at all.  I get that it is a trick, played to keep those like me coming back for more, but ugh, it isn't an easy wait.  A good author makes that time between books worth the wait.  If they can return and make you feel satisfied they have made it worth the torture.  I have two books coming in May that I can't wait for, so I am waiting for April to hurry up so I can delve back into stories that have left me waiting for far too long.

K

A Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness

This was such a fun book. I loved the supernatural element mixed in with this engaging story centered around a mysterious text that winds up in the heroine's hands. Honestly, the book continually kept my interest and kept me turning pages. The romance that developed was sexy and sweet, a perfect blend. I really loved the Matthew character, he was just something else. The second book of the trilogy comes out in July, and I can't wait to read it, and can't recommend this book enough.

City of Bones - Cassandra Clare

COMING SOON!

Seeking Mr. Darcy

In the dating world, what you want isn't often what you get.  As an devoted Jane Austen fan I freely admit I am not immune to the charms of one Fitzwilliam Darcy.  I know he isn't ever going to exist in the real world, since he is only a literary character, but, that doesn't mean a girl can't hope.  Not so much for Darcy to pop into existence and into my life, but more so I want that playful courtship he and Elizabeth endure.  It is that guy who is seemingly so very wrong for you, but turns out to be just who you need that intrigues me.  Despite being fiction, that is something that seems like something that can actually happen, granted not all the time, but it isn't out of the realm of all possibility. 


Surrounded by relationships, it isn't that I need a relationship to survive, no one I think really does, it is more that I want it to give me something more in my life.  Someone more in my life, someone who is all mine.  I don't know if searching for it or letting it happen naturally is the best approach.  How can you make something like that happen?  Date after date, meeting after meeting, waiting for something to take foot.  Overwhelming comes to mind.  Honestly, it could take years, decades, and I am not as young as I once was.  The prospect of the search for my Mr. Darcy is daunting and not something I could take lightly, and just have fun going with the flow.  Wasting time isn't something I like to do; I like order and set parameters with the anticipated goal there for the taking.  Questioning what is wrong with me at every turn becomes easy to do with each date failure.  Wondering why it isn't happening for me.  Wondering where my happy ending is.  It just seems it shouldn't be this difficult or stressful, it shouldn't have be so much work.  So in the end I sit and groan, not really sure of how I should proceed when I feel so dejected either way I go as I seek Mr. Darcy.

Just Crusin' and Snoozin'

In January of 2011, I embarked on my first cruise, and it ended up being quite the saga adventure.  I was terrified of the notion of being on a ship for seven days out on the sea, visiting new places, stomach viruses and seasickness a possible issue.  Visions of The Poseidon Adventure or Titanic . . .

 

capsized or sinking ships . . . don't forget the ice burgs . . . danced through my head.  I am a worrier by nature and every big, bad, scary scenario came to mind.  

Traveling day, Saturday, came and as we were driving to the port and I was "trying" to distract myself by reading, my mom teases me telling me some small boat off in the distance was the ship we would really be on.  A real comedian.  The process getting on the ship seemed never ending; checking in, getting the cards to use while on board that had our names printed on them, passport checks, security, having our i.d. picture taken. 

Once on the ship we could finally go eat and look for our family friends, there would be about 31 in our group, that were joining us for the week.  We get to our room, and honestly, it much smaller than I had imagined.  Seven days in that room, it was going to be funnnnn.  Ship practices required a lesson on emergency procedures, at muster stations.  OH, yeah, life vests and life boats, really settled my nerves down.  Finally, we leave port and the ship has a sail away party; basically we sail out of port to music, dancing, and games on the lido deck.  Dinner every night is in a large dinning room, served by the same wait staff each night, where we were to remember to have "fun, fun, fun," according to the maitre d'.   Sadly, we were seated near a loud group of people in the dinning room, who proceed to dance, clap, and be annoying every night!  Our planned ports of call were Cozumel, Belize, Isla Roatan, and Costa Maya. 

We spent Sunday at sea, it was pretty uneventful.  All you could really do was spend time exploring the ship, seeing the sites, catching sun, kind of a captive audience.  Fortunately, planning ahead with seasick patches I  decided to wear from the beginning, I didn't get seasickness.  That night we checked out the nightlife, and I was tempted by karaoke, but there wasn't an available slot for me to sing that night, which I honestly wasn't brave enough for yet.

Monday in Cozumel was lovely weather.  We hung out at the port area, browsed the shopping, had some fun at Fat Tuesdays.  Yard long drinks, music, and Mexico.  I got a pink cowgirl hat, quite a pretty hat if I do say so myself.

Tuesday we were in Belize, not my favorite place in the end.  First of all you have to get on a small boat to get to the port, and I didn't like that part at all.  The port itself was not much to write home about.  It was a bit scary, and venturing out beyond the port didn't happen.  That night though, the turbulence started . . .

Wednesday morning we were supposed to go to Isle Roatan.  Because of the weather we couldn't make it to the port, despite several attempts by the captain to pull in.  We ended up spending the day again at sea!  OH, and the ship kept on rocking because of 100 mile per hour winds..

Thursday we were supposed go to Costa Maya, but instead we headed back to Cozumel.  Same port, but this time, rainy and cold weather.  Well, it was January.  It was  odd being in Mexico with this cold, wet weather, not what I anticipated for this cruise.  

Friday was another day at sea, I decided to do some more reading, yes, I spent time reading on a cruise.  I actually finished a book for my book club and started a new book.  I also took naps, it just seemed the thing to do, since I was pretty relaxed I couldn't help but catch a few extra Zs.  We went dancing a few nights as well.  It was a small club, but I had a grand time shaking my booty on the dance floor to the loud music.  On board entertainment was readily available.  We caught one showcasing songs from various decades with dancing and singing that was pretty entertaining.  Since there is also shopping on the ship, I did a little exploring of the shops and I got beautiful earnings and a necklace for myself.  What is great about a cruise is you make it your own.  If you want to take excursions and explore the ports that is up to you, if you don't want to venture out you don't have to.  Plenty of people spend much of the cruise aboard the ship only.  You make the cruise what you want it to be.

I did also finally get to perform at Superstar Live Karaoke.  Our family friends were cheering me on as I sang Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain.  It was incredible singing with a live band, super scary, but so exciting too.  I was so nervous up there, even with two rum and cokes in me, I kept feeling my mouth get dry and sticky.

Another thing that was special on this trip,  were the towel animals left in the room.  I don't know what it was, but I got a kick out of the different animals on the bed every night.  I even took the towel animal making class they offered on the last day, and bought a book on how to make them. 

Finally, on Saturday morning we had to get off the ship, very early I might add, and headed home.  It ended up being an interesting experience, and I did relax as much as I could with the bad weather and swaying ship.  When everyone asked if I would go on a cruise again, I said I guess I can be forced persuaded to go again .  I admit I did go on a cruise again just this past January, much to my astonishment, it wasn't half bad ;0)

Dating Dilemmas of the Damned . . . or Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

Having been away from the dating game for a long time, yes indeed over a year and a half, with much trepidation I dipped my toe back into the pool.  And the pool has proven to be more than treacherous.  I decided to go back to an online dating site, which in and of itself wasn't that huge, it is weeding through the responders that is proving to be my undoing.  I took a chance, and meet a guy from online recently.  Coffee seemed safe and simple enough, and I made the plans on my turf.   Things seemed to go okay, but then things took an aggravating turn, much to my chagrin.  This guy decided that my pace and timidity did not suit him, which in the end proved to be a blessing, but still got me into quite the royal snit-fest.  Who was he to say that, who was he to give me the brush off, after all I wasn't the one who had been quite so forward!  Alas, it was not meant to be, and I am grateful to have seen the huge red flags before getting too deeply involved.  It is just sad and unfortunate that I deal with that kind of behavior while trying out dating again, although I guess starting out badly should give some hope that things can possibly improve, but the hope I hold is with slipping fingers.  Finding someone, someone decent to share some time with, should be simple enough, and not a fear inducing chore it is more and more becoming.  It is evident that the task at hand is not so simple, and clearly not so fun, and the dilemma of keeping at it or not is just beginning.