Today I was spontaneous, yes, moi, and did something spur of the moment! I went with KitchenKM to a blogger meeting with fellow lady bloggers in our area. It was nice, if not a bit intimidating, since I feel kind of like an amateur. Meeting at a local do-it-yourself frozen yogurt place was fun, and close by, so good for a Sunday outing when it is rainy season. Arriving early, of course, only uped my anxiety level as I waited for the others to arrive, hoping I would have something productive to say. I, of course, spilled some yogurt on myself, and my raincoat, so it went much as I expected; I was utterly graceful and delicate! This go round I simply wanted to take things in, my usual style for sure, hoping to get a feel for things and the fellow lady bloggers. It was amazing seeing other women who enjoy blogging, and about so very different topics. I was inspired once I came home to create a business card to go with my blog design. It is a great, easy way to share your info on the go, and it is pretty easy to DIY also. So, I have taken my first lesson from a blog meetup, and just add it to the others KitchenKM has shared along the way. As she reminded me, blogging is about self-expression and meeting other people, where judgement isn't passed and being true to yourself is all that is expected. Overall it was a nice, albeit rainy, Sunday in my world, and figured I would share that I feel like I have gained some inspiration and insight as I navigate my life, and my blog. Not a bad days work, that's for sure! And remember, bring your raincoat, it's July in Florida ;0)
K
Okay, so I admit I am a Twilight fan. I love the books, have seen the movies, and I'm hooked. In all truth I wasn't into the vampire thing prior to that. Anne Rice and her vampire world weren't my thing. Bram Stoker, eh, not so much. Funny, it is the little 'tween novel that turned on my passion. It is just something about the intensity and passion of vampires I started to be intrigued by. Passion and intensity are powerful, and make a great story and pull me in. Those characters and stories awakened something in me, something more than I though was there to be honest, passion and desire wise. I know Twilight is arguably a very sanitized version, but it suites me and I have found I can veer into the paranormal with a little more ease these days, since I am also a fan of The Vampire Diaries TV show, and get sucked in, pun fully intended, to the weekly drama and, yes, sexy romance. Something about being desired, granted not by some sparkly vegetarian or vicious killer, but having someone passionate about me just sounds amazing. Am I crazy for wishing that, hummm, I think deep down many, if not most, woman have the fantasy of being desirable and cherished by someone. It fills a need in me to read stories like that, not that I expect real life to match up, but it is fun for a fantasy. I can keep the hope I suppose, to one day find that passion for myself. Reading about it for now will have to suffice, and get me through. And I think every lady can use a little passion, and yes, vamp, in her life every once in a while :0)
K
As a self-professed and unabashed "Book Geek" I admit
that I find myself usually most comfortable and passionate when speaking
about books, otherwise I find I am severely lacking self-confidence
or self-assurance, and grapple with being a severe introvert.
Dealing with most social situations always revs up my anxiety level to unprecedented levels. Worry
overtakes me, and I find any relaxation, or enjoyment, hard to muster.
It isn't so much that I dislike being in a social situation, it is more
that my concerns and insecurities far outweigh any ease I try to feign.
I do a little better one on one, but when surrounded by a larger
group, it isn't pretty. It is an unease of how to fit in, where to
place myself, what to contribute that hinders my bravery. Oh, certainly
the adage of "be yourself" comes to mind, but it is hard advice when
you fear people won't like the "yourself" you are. There are people I
see so at ease when sharing with a group, leading a group, etc. and I
envy that.
In my bookclub I recently had to take the reigns in our discussion
and felt pretty useless, even though it was about a book. I am far
better at sharing my thoughts about the current book when I don't have
to worry about leading, otherwise I am a bundle of nerves. Even when I am
just sharing I am questioning myself; am I talking too much, making an absurd
point, being rude! Recently, when I went to hang out at a good friend
and fellow blogger KitchenKM's game night, relaxing wasn't so easy, especially early
on. I felt awkward and kind of clammed up. Then as we played the
game, I think I got kind of snippy when I had to be silly in the game that was meant to be fun and easy going. I feel like a
pretty uncoordinated and unimpressive figure to begin with, and acting
silly or uninhibited just makes that even worse for me, even when it
should be fun or lighthearted. Overall I had fun, but I know I wasn't at my
best or socially graceful. It is a constant battle between wanting to be accepted and be
more social, and a fear of failing and just not measuring up or fitting
in. These thoughts are hard to ignore, it is just a given that I
will be nervous, clumsy, and awkward. Confidence never has been, and
most likely never will be my strong suit, I just can't seem to find my
size.
K
Despite not having had the best luck in the romance department, I am still a sucker for romance and love stories. That part of me has dwindled as of late, but I still hold on to what is left of it. Wanting what I seemingly can't have is hard, but I guess a part of human nature. People who have it can't quite comprehend the feelings when you are still out of luck in the romance department though, try as they might. Yes, they may have fought for what they have, they may have been trough the ringer, but once they stand on the other side shinning in the basking glow of love, that perspective shifts. It is just how it is, and I probably would be the same if it happened for me. It hasn't yet, so I wrestle what my heart is feeling with what my head is saying to do.
K
After recently getting into a somewhat heavy political discussion with a friend I realize that politics, like religion, is best not discussed with friends when your opinions diverge from a common point of view. I particularly feel that when falling on the conservative side of the debate one better keep their mouth shut. I don't think anyone necessarily means to make a person feel that way, but I have felt, at least in my experience, that the liberal view comes like an attack and not getting into it is probably best. I don't feel I am a particularly judgmental person, but somehow my conservative leanings need to be questioned, dissected, and smacked around. It's not that I don't have an answer, or reason for my beliefs, it is just that the opposing view can't seem to shake that somehow my opinion differs, and that I am not bringing the Western World down by not agreeing. I have never questioned and argued with someone the way that I have been interrogated before, this was far from the first time it has happened or the only person who has placed me in the hot seat. Take for example liberal celebrities that take award show moments to wax political, yes, it is often liberals who choose those moments for browbeating and chest-thumping their view, and their causes. I don't know why liberals tend to be louder, and more aggressive, but as a conservative you cannot afford to be loud or aggressive it often seems, and must apologize for your views, because it is obviously wrong, crazy, and mixed-up . So, I conclude it is best to keep politics out of friendships, it just makes things more peaceful, despite political debate not being a bad thing, it just saves on frustration.
K
As I endure celebrate another birthday in what I am affectionately calling "The Dirty 30s" I realize the expectations placed on a woman in her 30s. As an unmarried, unattached woman of a certain age I do face particular expectations from people. It sometimes feels I am expected to be married with children and living a certain life. That is all well and good, but my life hasn't taken that path for whatever reason, and I am becoming increasingly okay with that. I am making the most of my life, it is my life to live after all. I sadly have been hard on myself when I feel I am not measuring up, and that is something I resolve to stop. Comparing myself to others is only going to frustrate me, and letting others dictate the lens I view myself through is an exercise in futility. Are there things I wish I could make different, yes, but I can't dwell on what isn't, it is embracing what is that is what is important and the best way to live. So as I settle in with another candle on the birthday cake, that is adding more and more candles too fast now for my taste, I am learning to be okay with who I am and where I am at, no matter what anyone else wants or expects of me. So it is with great fanfare I wish myself a Happy Birthday in my Dirty 30s ;0)
K
Since today is Mother's Day I have been thinking a great deal about family, parents in particular.
A dear friend of mine recently lost her mother, and
the loss she has experienced seems completely overwhelming and
indescribable. Seeing what she is going through got me wondering about
mother/daughter relationships. Recalling what my parents went through
when the lost their mothers was a sobering experience, despite the years
removed from those losses. Any parent/child relationship is going to be different and unique, even among siblings and their parents. The capacity to love is something that words really can never truly express adequately.
I
have heard that mothers love their child before they even give birth,
while fathers don't feel the same connection until the child is actually
born. Obviously, the child as an infant needs the parent, and the bond
that needs to form is delicate and amazing to watch. As childhood
passes, it seems to change and grow with the child needing the parent
less and less, so they think. It seems once the parent is sick, or has
passed, the need for the parent/child bond becomes more evident and the
loss can be shattering to the spirit.
The closest I came to learning how devastating losing a parent could potentially be was in 2005 when my father had a quadruple bypass. He recovered and has been okay since, but the time we waited from December 2004 until his surgery in early January 2005 gave me time to think about what could go wrong. The day of his surgery was a blur, I seemed to live it but somehow not really feel it. Time that day did not move, and it was one of the longest days of my life. I still remember the numb feeling of seeing my father intubated, and post-op. It will never rank as a memory I want to maintain, since the fear became all to real. It is a close as I ever want to come for a very long time and has made me appreciate every moment.
For
as much as a parent can drive a child crazy when the teenage years
start and beyond, and vice versa, it seems one is never truly a grown
up. I don't truly believe we fill that "grown-up" roll until our
parents are gone. Despite living a life of our own, needing a parent
never quite seems to end.
Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there!
K
Much as Suzanne Collins did in her Hunger Games Trilogy, Veronica Roth in Divergent
begins painting a disturbing and startling vision of the future. In
the dystopian Chicago of the future society, for better or worse, has
broken into five factions that regard a particular virtue as important
and the key to a better future. Abnegation the Selfless, Dauntless the
Fearless/Brave, Erudite the Knowledgeable, Candor the Honest, and Amity
the Peaceful. Beatrice Prior is 16 and about to come of age in this
society as the Choosing Ceremony is about to take place, and she must
make a choice that will forever change her. Growing up in Abnegation
has never felt right to Beatrice, and a hard choice confronts the young
woman as cracks in what is supposed to be a seamless societal structure
begin to show. Her journey is a fast paced, exciting, and gripping as
she confronts the choice she ultimately makes. Beatrice is a strong
female narrator, painted in true strokes despite the dystopian premise
of the story. Growing up, making choices, no matter what are universal
themes. The themes about society as a whole and what virtues,
frailties, and power surrounds are equally intriguing. A very different
world from The Hunger Games, but no less imaginative, and for
Young Adult fiction I find it to be equally thought-provoking. Well
written stories take the reader in and raise questions, make us laugh,
make us cry, make us cheer, and Veronica Roth has created a well-written
novel. I am eagerly anticipating the second book in this trilogy!
K
Having never read a Stephen King book, it was with some trepidation I began reading 11/22/63 for my bookclub. I was surprised that I ended up enjoyed the book. It is not the usual King "Horror," but about a time traveler and a real historical event. The event is the watershed moment, November 22, 1963, the day President John Kennedy was assassinated. It is a lengthy book, something I have heard repeatedly about King's writing, but not a badly written story at all. The book focuses on time traveling teacher Jake Epping and his journey as he attempts to change the obdurate past. It weaves in the historical figures Lee Harvey Oswald and his wife, with the fictional people Jake meets along the way. The more outrageous time travel element is about the only discernible supernatural or paranormal device more expected of King, but at it's core remains a character book and a book about choices. The story about a regular man, an extraordinary opportunity, and the consequences for himself and those around him of taking or not taking that opportunity. And as historical fiction, and being a history lover myself, the notion of a journey to the past, and the implications of altering the past, or the butterfly effect, did intrigue me despite my being unfamiliar with King's writing. Engaging storytelling, and an interesting premise, helped me navigate King's lengthy writing style. Overall, I found it an enjoyable read, good for King fans as well as King newcomers.
K
When I was about 11 years old I got sick with a bad
cold or flu. At the same time I had also developed a goiter. My eyes
protruded and my neck had a tire like bulge. The doctor ran some tests
and we discovered I had a thyroid condition. It would require daily
medication and was easy enough to treat. However, I also wasn't
growing. At the time I was hovering well below 5', despite my parents
being taller than average. My dad is 6' and my mom is 5'8". Further
tests lead to a more devastating diagnosis of Turner Syndrome
(TS). Essentially I was born missing one of the two X chromosomes every
girl and woman has. This leads to short stature, infertility, and a
variety of other possible complications. This is a rare condition
affecting 1 out of 2,000 to 5,000 female births, and only about 1% to 2%
of embryos with this condition are actually born. With this diagnosis
my life became a regular series of doctors appointments as I was growing
up. I was placed on a protocol by my specialist, and as her oldest
patient I was a test subject for her as well. This protocol consisted
of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) and Estrogen Replacement Therapy. I had a
sonogram of my kidneys to make sure they were formed correctly. I
regularly got x-rays to see how my bones were fusing. This was
certainly a difficult thing to face during adolescence, when a child may
already feel different, to have a genetic test confirm, indeed you are
quite different. I could get angry at God for giving me this to deal
with, but I never have. I have the sense that I am lucky to have been
given the life I was, despite it's imperfections. It is part of my
life, and something I have to deal with on a regular basis. I will
never have a child of my own, and can only get pregnant using a donor
egg and IVF. Adoption is something I have tossed around, and the idea
of giving a child a home and family that needs one seems to be the route
I would feel comfortable taking. Why try to crate a child when I
would face a more than risky pregnancy, why not find that child who
needs me? I feel that might be my purpose if I am to become a mother. I
am at risk for heart issues, diabetes, eye problems, osteoporosis,
hearing loss, just to name a few. Since there are limited women and
girls with this condition to study, it isn't easy for doctors to know
with certainty what issues a TS patient will face as they age. I did
reports on the condition in school to learn more, and had for a time
thought I wanted to go into the field of medicine specializing in this
and similar conditions. My hope was to give assistance to others facing
what I had faced. Although I realized quickly my squeamishness would
not be conducive to a career in medicine. Besides and physical issues,
there are the psychological issues that go with a genetic condition.
Dealing with infertility from such a young age is not easy. It
certainly sets a TS teenage girl apart from her peers. Feeling like you
don't quite measure up to society standards is never an easy thing to
deal with, and knowing how you don't measure up doesn't make it any more
palatable. It isn't that TS makes a girl or woman masculine, but you
certainly don't feel like you are quite an average woman. It is hard to
feel like you can be accepted for who you are, when you feel so apart
from the average. Fortunately I am taller than the average TS woman,
although this brings me to the conundrum of sharing TS with them, but
somehow being different from them. I feel that I can't even fit in with
TS right somehow, because I tower over them, so sometimes I feel where
do I really fit in? Where can I be accepted? Hard things to wrap my
head around. Yes, every woman has her body issues, but this condition
is so linked to your womanhood, accepting yourself is not without
difficulty. This diagnosis may not have been the most devastating by
some standards, but it certainly changed how my life would play out. I
have faced unique challenges, and will most likely continue to do so for
the rest of my life.
K
Today I was spontaneous, yes, moi, and did something spur of the moment! I went with KitchenKM to a blogger meeting with fellow lady bloggers in our area. It was nice, if not a bit intimidating, since I feel kind of like an amateur. Meeting at a local do-it-yourself frozen yogurt place was fun, and close by, so good for a Sunday outing when it is rainy season. Arriving early, of course, only uped my anxiety level as I waited for the others to arrive, hoping I would have something productive to say. I, of course, spilled some yogurt on myself, and my raincoat, so it went much as I expected; I was utterly graceful and delicate! This go round I simply wanted to take things in, my usual style for sure, hoping to get a feel for things and the fellow lady bloggers. It was amazing seeing other women who enjoy blogging, and about so very different topics. I was inspired once I came home to create a business card to go with my blog design. It is a great, easy way to share your info on the go, and it is pretty easy to DIY also. So, I have taken my first lesson from a blog meetup, and just add it to the others KitchenKM has shared along the way. As she reminded me, blogging is about self-expression and meeting other people, where judgement isn't passed and being true to yourself is all that is expected. Overall it was a nice, albeit rainy, Sunday in my world, and figured I would share that I feel like I have gained some inspiration and insight as I navigate my life, and my blog. Not a bad days work, that's for sure! And remember, bring your raincoat, it's July in Florida ;0)
